Infidelity is a betrayal that leaves partners in intense turmoil. The pain can be long-lasting, even after the websites for cheaters are ended. Infidelity also can reveal hidden problems in a relationship, such as underlying unmet needs, poor communication, or antiquated gender roles.

Both a spouse and an affair partner need to learn how to talk respectfully about their feelings. They need to be able to express their frustrations, disappointments and anger without judgment, criticism or contempt. In addition, they need to spend more time together—without screens—to help re-establish their bond. Some spouses who’ve survived an affair benefit from a routine that helps them calm their emotions, such as daily walks or eating meals together.

Setting Boundaries: Reestablishing Trust After Infidelity

Many couples are tempted to ask the offending spouse detailed questions about the intricacies of their affair. But Alsaleem warns that too much detail can create more hurt and traumatize the couple. Ultimately, the amount of disclosure will depend on the offending partner’s response. “How remorseful is the offending partner?” she says. “How deeply does he or she want to heal the marriage?”

A spouse needs to be clear about what their boundaries are with the former lover. It’s also helpful for them to name the hurtful behaviors for what they are: severe violations of trust, betrayal and adultery. It’s unhelpful to refer to these misbehaviors as ‘harmless dalliances‘, ‘friendships’ or ‘getting a little on the side’. Those words send the wrong message to their mate and they aren’t helping them heal.